More Of The ErwiNation's Thoughts on Benoit

The more I read and hear about the circumstances and details of Chris Benoit's death, the more I get sick to my stomach.

Those who know me well know that I have been a wrestling fan since childhood. How long has it been? I remember WWE not only when it was WWF BUT also when it was WWWF. I was watching wrestling when Hulk Hogan was still in the AWA chasing Nick Bockwinkle's title, and Hulkamania was years away from running wild on you while you say your prayers and eat your vitamins. I was about 5 years old or so the first time I watched wrestling; I would watch it with my uncle late at night in the Philippines, and I have very fond memories of it.

As the years went by, there were times when I would not watch it regularly (such has been the case the last 2 years or so), but I would keep up with what's going on with it because I can't help but love it.

People: I love the blasted thing. I might rail against it and talk up the virtues of MMA compared to it, but it's because I want to see it do as well as I think it should. And when I say "do well", I don't mean in a money making sense. I want to see it do well in the same way I want shows or movies or books I care about to reach it's fullest possible creative heights.

I know wrestling is "make believe" in the sense that results are predetermined. It's not make believe in the sense that these wrestlers (and fuck you Vince McMahon, they will always be wrestlers to me and never "sports entertainers") don't get hurt, or don't put their bodies on the line or are not athletic. It HURTS physically to do what they do people. No, it doesn't hurt as much if they did not pull their punches, or do not protect themselves when they fall 6, 7 feet to the ground, but it hurts just the same. It always burned me when these guys do not get the respect they deserve, but they DO deserve respect for what they put their bodies through.

Unfortunately, a side effect of this is the steroids and painkillers that has become prevalent in the industry (WWE's Wellness Policy aside). You need to look good to become a superstar in the business and make the big money, and that's where the steroids come in. And as wrestlers become faster and stronger, they put their bodies' (and their opponents' bodies as well) through more wear and tear and pain, necessitating the need for painkillers.

I'm not saying steroids and painkillers had something to do with Chris Benoit's killing spree; I will say though it probably didn't help diffuse the situation. I never thought the day would come when I would say the best case scenario for wrestlers who abuse steroids and painkillers would be to just drop dead like Eddie Guerrero and "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig and countless others. God help me, but that would be so much better than to see what Benoit did.

I'm no expert or anything, but I am going to guess that Benoit had demons that he couldn't conquer and that had more to do with what he did than the steroids and the painkillers. But to be constantly away from your family (these guys work 6 out of 7 days of the week, and on the road too, hundreds or thousands of miles from their families), to be in constant pain from the hell they put their bodies though, to feel the pressure to look a certain way in order to make the big money or be the big star, to be in atmosphere where the bar is the best place to go to after work every day, and the abuse of alcohol and drugs is so easy - it's not the best profession to be in for peace of mind. My friend Donger said it best: these guys are gladiators; and just like in Roman days, to be a gladiator is to basically sign up for your own death sentence.

Chris Benoit is still one of my favorite wrestlers of all time. No one can take away from him the fact that inside that ring, few could say they were better than him in carrying a match and entertaining the fans. Wrestling is a world of make believe in that besides pre-determined results, these guys have a persona created for them, sometimes based on their own "real" personalities, sometimes not. By numerous accounts, Benoit was as quiet and as intense in person as he was in the ring; silent waters really do run deep. But as a fan, you have this picture of Benoit that's more in line with his wrestling persona - meaning he may be quiet, he may be a wrestling machine, but in the end, he is totally in control, just like he is when he is carrying a young, green wrestler to a very good match said young, green wrestler has no business being in. And when something like this happens, you just don't understand completely.

It's as if another bubble has been popped in my head, and it's just so painful and disappointing. It's the same as when a long held belief is suddenly just disproven. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm finding out the truth about Santa Claus all over again, you know what I mean?

Chris Benoit, I really do wish peace for your soul, for your wife's soul, and especially for your young son's soul. And I still do thank you for all the good memories you gave me due to your efforts in the wrestling ring. But the carnage and pain you left behind... in a lot of ways, you also took with you some of my love for pro-wrestling. I hate the writing and the angles and a lot of the matches that go on these days, but nothing ever made me so discouraged about it like this has. And I don't know what else to say about it....